woah...

okay bad day in general...

i'll have to update when i'm more sober. lol. it's almost 8am but i got some good shit going on, think?

I just watched those House epsidoes I was feaning (I odn't kno how to spell fening right now lol) . The ones I downloaded finally, season 4 the end. So fucking sad. I somehow did something where I drank and breathed at the same time and puked on myself. so embarrassing. lol but tonight was a good night with convo and shit. I can't handle typing right now.We will have to see how tomorrow(today?) goes with this seducing shit. I don't know, I'm sorry i posted this.

Tonight was supposed to be a good night.

Well I was all excited to come home and upload a new movie onto my USB drive to watch on my fancy TV and 360. The movie was The Fall. All I heard was good things, though I never read anything about it myself. I probably should have. It was a depressing movie, but overall tried to be overly artsy, which at some parts on their own were interesting and colourful, but mostly just were confusing and boring. It was hard to follow and generally didn't make a lot of sense. That's the jist of it for me. I read a bit about it a little bit after on IMDB and it made me appreciate it slightly more, but I'm still very disappointed.

Anyway, it put me in one of those depressions where you feel it in your heart that you need to cry but just can't. I farted around on the internet for awhile - checked Facebook, my bank account, Verizon to see what I can up or downgrade to and when. The overwhelming sadness finally hit me when I was messing around trying to figure out how to sign into blogger again. I sent a request to my e-mail to get my user name. Logged into Yahoo, which for some reason decided to switch up their layout to be more like a Facebook type of site where you can keep your "friends" updated on your life. On the right side of the screen I then saw it - Yahoo telling me to get in touch with Arnold M. Uncontrollable tears started streaming down my face. Arnold M. was my grandfather. I still have his e-mail address in my address book. Yahoo was telling me to connect with my dead grandfather. My grandfather loved being on his computer. He loved sending those silly forwards with the angels and interesting pictures, I still have most of them saved. After he died, I often wondered about his e-mail account. Did my aunt's remember to discontinue it, or do people not know he is even dead? I sometimes want to e-mail the address just to see what would happen.

Before the stupid movie and stupid Yahoo, I was thinking of writing about silly upbeat things, such as sharting. I guess that's for another day. Especially since there's a House marathon on, that show always depresses me too. Maybe it's because of who and what I associate it with now. On top of the fact that I think this may be the season where Amber is a cast member and they kill her at the end. A very amazing and sad episode.

I just downloaded a movie "Wristcutters: A Love Story". Amazing and sad movie. I might go watch it now. It only took about 20 minutes to download though so I hope it doesn't depress me with it not being the actual movie.

I need to find something real to do with my life. I need to actually act on my thoughts and ambitions. I need to start saving money. I want to buy a home. That won't happen.

Sorry this was so depressing.

Tom, you made me do uncharacteristic things!

Ah, so here I am. I knew this would happen the second Tom said him and his sister have started blogs. I've done this all before with failed results on LiveJournal. (Please don't try to find it, it's really embarrassing). I do this sort of thing I think to pretend like people care what I say and think. They probably don't. No one reads this shite anyway. In the end, it's okay. I really like typing, and I used to type a whole lot of words per minute according to Mario Teaches Typing.

Well I'm home as usual on a Friday night and it makes me sad because I was actually invited out...even if it was only because I have driving capabilities, HA! But, I do have to open in the morning and I do not trust myself to be responsible with those people. Hey, I don't even trust myself with being responsible alone. Prime example, I should have already been a week into my new anti-anxiety/anti-depression medication. The downfall is, I cannot drink on those! To be honest, I was going to start the cycle tonight! Then my roommate came home with a silly surprise for me, a 12 pack of the silly frou frou Seagram's drinks. Well, I can't be rude, especially since my weird sort of family here does not know I'm having these "issues". So, while watching the opening Olympics ceremonies (which always make me cry) I cracked open a bottle of Mixed Berry flavoured drink and had a smidgen of Blackberry Brandy. I'm feeling quite lit right now and not paying a lick of attention anymore to the ceremonies! Almost time to crack open the Peach flavoured Fuzzy Navel bottle, tee hee.

I probably should have titled my blog, "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic". I've learned this from my main teacher, my mother. Ah shit, those people who say alcoholism is not a disease, fuck off! It is a very rampant (is that the right word?) and ongoing issue that is hard to shake. Unlike other addiction items, such as Coke (the drug not the drink) or heroin, it's extremely easily accessible and EVERYONE does it! It also proves to be loads of fun with the right people. So, damn, here I am trying to fight it but I don't know if it's going to work. Or if I want it to work. No, I DO want it to work! After a night of drinking, I feel like I have killed so many brain cells and have gained 20 pounds of beer gut. I've gained so much body fat that it saddens me. For that reason only is why I need to quit.

Hopefully, I'll keep my drinking issues to a minimum on here. It is hard actually admitting to one's self that they have a drinking problem. Failure is the first word I feel comes to people's minds. We'll see if I come up with anything of interest on here.

Now, I'll to click us some money!