A lot of shit went down this week that I intended to blog about...just never got around to it as usual. After early morning prodding, I've gotten back up on the horse. Most of it just doesn't seem relevant anymore.
One thing that is relevant, is being called fat!! I've never actually been called fat outside of stupid high school drama (actual high school drama, not like Sinemark high school drama) let alone in real life. When I'm already struggling with weight/self esteem issues. By two people whose opinions don't even fucking matter. Or shouldn't matter. Honestly, I really do blame it on the raiinnn yeah yeah...ha no, on the Hollister hoodie I stole from Sinemark's lost and found. Maybe that's why the person left it at the theatre. It brings bad karma and I just inherited theirs.
Relevant item numero dos - My favourite past time in the world, texting, really is starting to make me hate everything about it. I hate texting people who have "normal" phones (not being a phone racist lol) because since they are using T9 or whatever they use the text lingo all the time. I hate text lingo. It's really hard to understand. It's also really annoying that someone can just pick up the phone, dial a number and be instantly talking to the other person, where as when a text is sent, and if your recipient is not on Blackberry Messenger you have absolutely no clue if they received the message that they were really drunk and waiting for you to show up at the bar to have a fun day. This all ends in tears. Well on my end anyway. I generally like texting because I usually don't have a lot to say in a phone call (I usually wasn't the friend who called and talked for hours in 6th grade) unless it's short and to the point. Hence, why texting is a sociophobe's (I had to look that word up!) best friend. So why does it seem to be kicking my ass lately?! Must be God's way of weeding out the "unfriendly" people to create a superior race of blabbering idiots. All who will die from cell phone related brain tumors. How ironic. As I was typing that last bit with one hand my sleeve ran through my ranch dressing on my plate. What a waste of ranch dressing! Anyway, back to the point. People, you have a smart phone for a reason! It's probably because you're an "office" person and have to write e-mails on the go. They made the full QWERTY keyboard tiny and thumb compatible for something. do u type ur emails lk this when ur prop sumthin to ur boss? No? Didn't fucking think so. So take the extra two fucking seconds and spell out your words like you were taught to do in grade school. (End rant - phew!)
Relevant item a trois ~ I saw my future in New York fading so quickly on that drunken early Thursday morning this week. As the word vomit quickly released from my mouth, so did he in one fellow thrust. Not the first time I've made this bad decision. No, I wasn't pulling boy entrapment, at the time I thought hey, it wouldn't be so bad to have really cute little mixed babies. I don't even like the guy like that anymore really. I don't fully understand what happens inside my trainwreck of what's left of a brain. I feel like him and I are a couple who have been dating for 6 years and are just trying to find things to press each others buttons so that the "nothing" fight starts. And we're not even dating! Yet, I get those stupid jealous pangs when "wifey" (not what it sounds like supposedly) texts or when he makes comments about ex girlfriends who he got pregnant. With him being so introverted and unwilling to talk about his past, or a lot for that matter, it slowly drags me back in. I always want to be that person that someone trusts enough to open up to. For some reason I think it boosts my ego. I always have the desire as well as the need to know how much a person likes me or what they think of me. I guess that's why I play the little games of wearing their Marine tags for a week and then after the "nothing" fight I put them on his stuff he will be needing when he leaves in the morning. Just to see if he takes the bait of the game. He did thankfully. Last night as I was contemplating doing it, I wondered what I would do if he just left and didn't say a word. Last night I said "Oh well" in my head...this morning I was panicking when it seemed like he was just gonna leave my life. Today he needs to know why I do things like that and all of the other questions that are relationship related that shouldn't even be coming up in conversation. We are friends, old high school sweethearts and fuck buddies. Can't humans not cross lines? It's not like I'm the only one pressing buttons either. Last night I was asked the question, "So, are blowjobs part of the deal?" A blowjob from me, or some other bitch I'll get herpes from? Yeah, a fucking blowjob is part of sex, it is included in our agreement. Grr
Moving swiftly along, relevant topic shi * We need to get on with the working out thing. Not so much for the fact that I'm apparently a fattie and pregnant according to Abel the douche and Ian the ass, but for the fact that I need proof that I can put trust in something semi permanent like planning to meet to work out a couple of times a week. With my track record of supposedly bailing, I need to feel confidence in return to be trusted to follow through with actually planned times and places instead of spur of the moment, "hey I'll leave work early and come get drunk since I already know you'll be there" times. If we can't do simple things together like meet to workout, how am I to be expected to move 8 hours away from home for an undisclosed amount of time? So let's say we'll do this, and actually do it! I want to have confidence in me, and I need you to have confidence in me.
Now relevant topic fünf...it is stinking hard to find a job! I went on the VA hospital website to try to apply and had no idea what I was doing! Granted, every job post is for stuff I'm no where near qualified for, but how do I find the simple filing/secretary/answer phone jobs? After being discouraged on that site, I went to Monster.com where I thought I had already posted a resume. I guess they close if after awhile due to inactivity because I had to re sign up for it. That place could be slightly more promising. At least there were job listings on there I am slightly more qualified for even though they are mostly marketing and sales representatives for Verizon, yuck. At least I am trying to take baby steps forward to get out of Sinemark hell.
Well this was all way too long so hopefully I will get a call back to remedy this stupid RITA tax situation so I can upgrade my computer instead of pay $1000 out of my ass for some bullshit. On to gay slur drinking games! I'm glad I bought a new pair of dress boots.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
I hate this part right here...
I hate when I feel like I have so much to say, to release. But I cannot get it out in words. Just listening to "Already Gone" by Kelly Clarkson. Makes me so sad. Makes me want to sing this at karaoke too lol. Never would have courage for that though, because I cannot sing well at all. I don't even think I can pretend I can anymore, either. Maybe if I'm drunk enough and Tom or Don wants to get up and sing with me I could do it, since I loveeee to sing!
I think what I hate MOST about being in relationships is that everything and everything you experienced, or not experienced with them is engraved in your soul and everything you did or watched or listened to with them. It's so hard to get over someone (even someone you didn't like a whole lot) when you have all the memories together. Yes, right now I am talking about Ryan, and I know everyone hated him for some reason, but he was a big part of my life at the time. Makes me sad everyone has something against him. Makes me feel bad, and reflects bad on me in the end, too.
Also is the reason why I hate, yet LOVE Angels and Airwaves. I still find it hard to this day to listen to them. Yet, I want to go to their show in April. Probably because I'm hoping someone will be there to get my emotions going.
I have so many emotions that I can't get out. I hate it. I hate feeling like I need to cry hardcore but just can't. It's terrible.
Oh gosh, I did it. I put on AVA on youtube. I suck. If anyone wants to gander, they're good. My favourites are Call to Arms and Start the Machine. You'll like them more if you have an equally troubled past with Blink-182.
"Do you feel if you've lost everything you can lose? This is it, can you hear me? I'd like to say that you're my only fear, and when I dream, it slowly dissapears. And when I wake, I'm right there by your side TO FEEL YOUR HEART beat in and out of time..."
"You know I won't say sorry, the pain has a bad reaction, a blend of fear and passion. You know what it's like to believe, it makes me wanna scream."
"If loves a word that you say, say it and I'll listen..."
Ugh they really know how to get ya, no?
Even now, listening to them again...after like a year...I want to cry, but can't. I feel like Cameron Diaz in "The Holiday" where she has the spasms because she can't cry. So sad. She cries in the end though. I hope I can find that again. HA learning how to cry again.
I think I'll leave this again and go watch Lady Gaga, she makes me happy.
I think what I hate MOST about being in relationships is that everything and everything you experienced, or not experienced with them is engraved in your soul and everything you did or watched or listened to with them. It's so hard to get over someone (even someone you didn't like a whole lot) when you have all the memories together. Yes, right now I am talking about Ryan, and I know everyone hated him for some reason, but he was a big part of my life at the time. Makes me sad everyone has something against him. Makes me feel bad, and reflects bad on me in the end, too.
Also is the reason why I hate, yet LOVE Angels and Airwaves. I still find it hard to this day to listen to them. Yet, I want to go to their show in April. Probably because I'm hoping someone will be there to get my emotions going.
I have so many emotions that I can't get out. I hate it. I hate feeling like I need to cry hardcore but just can't. It's terrible.
Oh gosh, I did it. I put on AVA on youtube. I suck. If anyone wants to gander, they're good. My favourites are Call to Arms and Start the Machine. You'll like them more if you have an equally troubled past with Blink-182.
"Do you feel if you've lost everything you can lose? This is it, can you hear me? I'd like to say that you're my only fear, and when I dream, it slowly dissapears. And when I wake, I'm right there by your side TO FEEL YOUR HEART beat in and out of time..."
"You know I won't say sorry, the pain has a bad reaction, a blend of fear and passion. You know what it's like to believe, it makes me wanna scream."
"If loves a word that you say, say it and I'll listen..."
Ugh they really know how to get ya, no?
Even now, listening to them again...after like a year...I want to cry, but can't. I feel like Cameron Diaz in "The Holiday" where she has the spasms because she can't cry. So sad. She cries in the end though. I hope I can find that again. HA learning how to cry again.
I think I'll leave this again and go watch Lady Gaga, she makes me happy.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
My head is full of velocities and fuel calculations...
No, it's really not. It feels like it is though. The first thing I've been thinking about lately is how scared I am to read the last post I made on here. I would like to apologize to whoever decided to read it. I'm sure it was a trainwreck.
The other thing I've been thinking about often is how people are telling me they notice a change in me. That is a good thing, I'm not complaining about it. I just don't understand how this happened. Why am I all of a sudden not ungodly depressed as usual and why do I laugh and whistle and chat all of the time? It really makes no sense to me. Additionally, why when I get home late at night by myself do I crash and burn and get so depressed randomly? I quit the medication long before I'm sure I would have been getting an effect from it. I didn't want to become a Prozac zombie. But now, what should I do? Maybe Friday I should ask for some anti-anxiety medication that I do not have to take every day. I haven't had a panic attack/severe anxiety for awhile now, but who knows when that will end. Especially since I have not done anything really new or out of the ordinary for awhile.
Wait, that's actually not true. I've done so much out of character stuff this past weekend that I wouldn't have done because I would have been too scared to weeks ago.
Let's briefly run down the laundry list:
*Hung out with an old friend I used to be really into and we actually had a lot more fun than we used to. We actually conversed and I didn't feel awkward being there,
*Discovered the TERRIBLE world of webcam websites - I apparently have a strange liking for strangers staring at me, well when I'm drunk that is ha,
*Hung out with the first person I said "I Love You" to after 14 years, and I actually picked up the phone and called him too,
*Hung out with another person who has been trying to get me to hang out with them for probably almost 10 years after we stopped talking,
*Got up the courage to hug someone I've been crushing on for a year, on the last day I will probably ever see him again in life.
I thought there were more but I can't think of them right now. My favourite part in Sunshine is on right now...where they have to reset the shield when Kappa and Keneda are outside of Icarus. This part gives me panic down my spine and used to make me cry hard. The music at this part is AMAZING beyond belief. "Keneda, what do you see?"
With my past experiences blogging, I am very hesitant to open up fully on this page. I feel like I need to though, to get it all out. All these weird feelings are happening and I don't know what to do with myself.
I think I've come to the realization that I might never find that person again in life that I'll fall head over heals for again. The person who I can see myself spending the rest of my life with in the first months of being with them, someone who I more than just "like", or crush on. Maybe that's what is getting me down these days. Thoughts like this are what make me feel like I'm a bit of a sociopath. I can't make real connections with people, only with people I cannot have. I've pushed every person away who has been "in love" with me. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm the one pushing away until the relationship is over. I subconsciously look for things to do to screw up and it's really kind of sad.
I also realize that I love and crave attention from anyone and everyone. Even from people I don't even like. Maybe that is why I like to take my clothes off. And that I'm "slutty". I had a conversation with Brittanie the other night about how I enjoy having sex. What is wrong with enjoying sex? Brittanie agreed with me, she loves it too. She made me feel a bit better about it, although I feel it's a little different for her since she is gay. People I think have a different point of view towards gay women who are a bit promiscuous. It might not even be the sex I enjoy, I used to hate sex a lot actually. Now I think I'm addicted to it, enough that I could be thinking of "whoring" myself out. Not in the stand on the street corner way, but to get a new computer. I myself, don't have a problem with that. I'm sure anyone looking at me would greatly disagree.
I think it would be a different story if I were going out fucking any guy that asks. I used to be like that, or I wouldn't even wait for them to ask. Now, I'm keeping it down to just one person. I'm considering this "dating" for me. He's leaving semi-soon to go back into the marines so there's not any long term deal here. I guess that's probably why I'm okay with it. I don't have to commit.
I also had the most ridiculous conversation with Ryan today. He is obviously still very angry and upset and not over me. Understandable. But I don't know, I can't even remember what most of the conversation was about. It was just upsetting to me. All I wanted to know if he was okay, because he just got fired. He said I don't care about him and never did and all that jazz. Now that I'm away from him, all I want again is attention from him. I like to keep people wrapped around my finger I guess. I miss him now that I haven't been around him in awhile. I've been thinking a lot about that relationship for awhile now, and I've come to the conclusion that I love him and care about him, but ultimately he was just a 2 year rebound from the failed love of my life. It's sad to say that because he was so good to me, especially through last summer when my grandparents were sick.
The other thing that has been on my mind is moving on with my life. We all want out of Sinemark, but I've been there for 8 fucking years that I almost know nothing else. I've lived here at home except for the brief time at Hiram and in Chardon. Never have totally lived on my own. I am scared to death. Talking with Jana today, I started thinking that I can't wait to leave here but gosh it's going to be hard. What do I do about my dogs and cats? They are the only thing keeping me here especially if I move with other people. I don't have the strength (or money) to up and move alone. I know I don't have to stay away forever, but what do I do when I'm done being on my own? Come home and live in the attic again? What if my dogs start getting really sick when I'm away? I'll just feel like I've abandoned them once again like I do with everything in my life. Ahhh panic coming back! I think I will ask for some relax pills on Friday.
The doctor is going to be so mad at me that I didn't stick with it. I am dieting though and working out. The only thing I didn't remember to do that she asked was post my resume, but I'm gonna try the VA hospital so that should count.
I think I might be done because I'm getting pretty depressed. Grr maybe I should have stuck with the pills.
The other thing I've been thinking about often is how people are telling me they notice a change in me. That is a good thing, I'm not complaining about it. I just don't understand how this happened. Why am I all of a sudden not ungodly depressed as usual and why do I laugh and whistle and chat all of the time? It really makes no sense to me. Additionally, why when I get home late at night by myself do I crash and burn and get so depressed randomly? I quit the medication long before I'm sure I would have been getting an effect from it. I didn't want to become a Prozac zombie. But now, what should I do? Maybe Friday I should ask for some anti-anxiety medication that I do not have to take every day. I haven't had a panic attack/severe anxiety for awhile now, but who knows when that will end. Especially since I have not done anything really new or out of the ordinary for awhile.
Wait, that's actually not true. I've done so much out of character stuff this past weekend that I wouldn't have done because I would have been too scared to weeks ago.
Let's briefly run down the laundry list:
*Hung out with an old friend I used to be really into and we actually had a lot more fun than we used to. We actually conversed and I didn't feel awkward being there,
*Discovered the TERRIBLE world of webcam websites - I apparently have a strange liking for strangers staring at me, well when I'm drunk that is ha,
*Hung out with the first person I said "I Love You" to after 14 years, and I actually picked up the phone and called him too,
*Hung out with another person who has been trying to get me to hang out with them for probably almost 10 years after we stopped talking,
*Got up the courage to hug someone I've been crushing on for a year, on the last day I will probably ever see him again in life.
I thought there were more but I can't think of them right now. My favourite part in Sunshine is on right now...where they have to reset the shield when Kappa and Keneda are outside of Icarus. This part gives me panic down my spine and used to make me cry hard. The music at this part is AMAZING beyond belief. "Keneda, what do you see?"
With my past experiences blogging, I am very hesitant to open up fully on this page. I feel like I need to though, to get it all out. All these weird feelings are happening and I don't know what to do with myself.
I think I've come to the realization that I might never find that person again in life that I'll fall head over heals for again. The person who I can see myself spending the rest of my life with in the first months of being with them, someone who I more than just "like", or crush on. Maybe that's what is getting me down these days. Thoughts like this are what make me feel like I'm a bit of a sociopath. I can't make real connections with people, only with people I cannot have. I've pushed every person away who has been "in love" with me. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm the one pushing away until the relationship is over. I subconsciously look for things to do to screw up and it's really kind of sad.
I also realize that I love and crave attention from anyone and everyone. Even from people I don't even like. Maybe that is why I like to take my clothes off. And that I'm "slutty". I had a conversation with Brittanie the other night about how I enjoy having sex. What is wrong with enjoying sex? Brittanie agreed with me, she loves it too. She made me feel a bit better about it, although I feel it's a little different for her since she is gay. People I think have a different point of view towards gay women who are a bit promiscuous. It might not even be the sex I enjoy, I used to hate sex a lot actually. Now I think I'm addicted to it, enough that I could be thinking of "whoring" myself out. Not in the stand on the street corner way, but to get a new computer. I myself, don't have a problem with that. I'm sure anyone looking at me would greatly disagree.
I think it would be a different story if I were going out fucking any guy that asks. I used to be like that, or I wouldn't even wait for them to ask. Now, I'm keeping it down to just one person. I'm considering this "dating" for me. He's leaving semi-soon to go back into the marines so there's not any long term deal here. I guess that's probably why I'm okay with it. I don't have to commit.
I also had the most ridiculous conversation with Ryan today. He is obviously still very angry and upset and not over me. Understandable. But I don't know, I can't even remember what most of the conversation was about. It was just upsetting to me. All I wanted to know if he was okay, because he just got fired. He said I don't care about him and never did and all that jazz. Now that I'm away from him, all I want again is attention from him. I like to keep people wrapped around my finger I guess. I miss him now that I haven't been around him in awhile. I've been thinking a lot about that relationship for awhile now, and I've come to the conclusion that I love him and care about him, but ultimately he was just a 2 year rebound from the failed love of my life. It's sad to say that because he was so good to me, especially through last summer when my grandparents were sick.
The other thing that has been on my mind is moving on with my life. We all want out of Sinemark, but I've been there for 8 fucking years that I almost know nothing else. I've lived here at home except for the brief time at Hiram and in Chardon. Never have totally lived on my own. I am scared to death. Talking with Jana today, I started thinking that I can't wait to leave here but gosh it's going to be hard. What do I do about my dogs and cats? They are the only thing keeping me here especially if I move with other people. I don't have the strength (or money) to up and move alone. I know I don't have to stay away forever, but what do I do when I'm done being on my own? Come home and live in the attic again? What if my dogs start getting really sick when I'm away? I'll just feel like I've abandoned them once again like I do with everything in my life. Ahhh panic coming back! I think I will ask for some relax pills on Friday.
The doctor is going to be so mad at me that I didn't stick with it. I am dieting though and working out. The only thing I didn't remember to do that she asked was post my resume, but I'm gonna try the VA hospital so that should count.
I think I might be done because I'm getting pretty depressed. Grr maybe I should have stuck with the pills.
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