No, it's really not. It feels like it is though. The first thing I've been thinking about lately is how scared I am to read the last post I made on here. I would like to apologize to whoever decided to read it. I'm sure it was a trainwreck.
The other thing I've been thinking about often is how people are telling me they notice a change in me. That is a good thing, I'm not complaining about it. I just don't understand how this happened. Why am I all of a sudden not ungodly depressed as usual and why do I laugh and whistle and chat all of the time? It really makes no sense to me. Additionally, why when I get home late at night by myself do I crash and burn and get so depressed randomly? I quit the medication long before I'm sure I would have been getting an effect from it. I didn't want to become a Prozac zombie. But now, what should I do? Maybe Friday I should ask for some anti-anxiety medication that I do not have to take every day. I haven't had a panic attack/severe anxiety for awhile now, but who knows when that will end. Especially since I have not done anything really new or out of the ordinary for awhile.
Wait, that's actually not true. I've done so much out of character stuff this past weekend that I wouldn't have done because I would have been too scared to weeks ago.
Let's briefly run down the laundry list:
*Hung out with an old friend I used to be really into and we actually had a lot more fun than we used to. We actually conversed and I didn't feel awkward being there,
*Discovered the TERRIBLE world of webcam websites - I apparently have a strange liking for strangers staring at me, well when I'm drunk that is ha,
*Hung out with the first person I said "I Love You" to after 14 years, and I actually picked up the phone and called him too,
*Hung out with another person who has been trying to get me to hang out with them for probably almost 10 years after we stopped talking,
*Got up the courage to hug someone I've been crushing on for a year, on the last day I will probably ever see him again in life.
I thought there were more but I can't think of them right now. My favourite part in Sunshine is on right now...where they have to reset the shield when Kappa and Keneda are outside of Icarus. This part gives me panic down my spine and used to make me cry hard. The music at this part is AMAZING beyond belief. "Keneda, what do you see?"
With my past experiences blogging, I am very hesitant to open up fully on this page. I feel like I need to though, to get it all out. All these weird feelings are happening and I don't know what to do with myself.
I think I've come to the realization that I might never find that person again in life that I'll fall head over heals for again. The person who I can see myself spending the rest of my life with in the first months of being with them, someone who I more than just "like", or crush on. Maybe that's what is getting me down these days. Thoughts like this are what make me feel like I'm a bit of a sociopath. I can't make real connections with people, only with people I cannot have. I've pushed every person away who has been "in love" with me. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm the one pushing away until the relationship is over. I subconsciously look for things to do to screw up and it's really kind of sad.
I also realize that I love and crave attention from anyone and everyone. Even from people I don't even like. Maybe that is why I like to take my clothes off. And that I'm "slutty". I had a conversation with Brittanie the other night about how I enjoy having sex. What is wrong with enjoying sex? Brittanie agreed with me, she loves it too. She made me feel a bit better about it, although I feel it's a little different for her since she is gay. People I think have a different point of view towards gay women who are a bit promiscuous. It might not even be the sex I enjoy, I used to hate sex a lot actually. Now I think I'm addicted to it, enough that I could be thinking of "whoring" myself out. Not in the stand on the street corner way, but to get a new computer. I myself, don't have a problem with that. I'm sure anyone looking at me would greatly disagree.
I think it would be a different story if I were going out fucking any guy that asks. I used to be like that, or I wouldn't even wait for them to ask. Now, I'm keeping it down to just one person. I'm considering this "dating" for me. He's leaving semi-soon to go back into the marines so there's not any long term deal here. I guess that's probably why I'm okay with it. I don't have to commit.
I also had the most ridiculous conversation with Ryan today. He is obviously still very angry and upset and not over me. Understandable. But I don't know, I can't even remember what most of the conversation was about. It was just upsetting to me. All I wanted to know if he was okay, because he just got fired. He said I don't care about him and never did and all that jazz. Now that I'm away from him, all I want again is attention from him. I like to keep people wrapped around my finger I guess. I miss him now that I haven't been around him in awhile. I've been thinking a lot about that relationship for awhile now, and I've come to the conclusion that I love him and care about him, but ultimately he was just a 2 year rebound from the failed love of my life. It's sad to say that because he was so good to me, especially through last summer when my grandparents were sick.
The other thing that has been on my mind is moving on with my life. We all want out of Sinemark, but I've been there for 8 fucking years that I almost know nothing else. I've lived here at home except for the brief time at Hiram and in Chardon. Never have totally lived on my own. I am scared to death. Talking with Jana today, I started thinking that I can't wait to leave here but gosh it's going to be hard. What do I do about my dogs and cats? They are the only thing keeping me here especially if I move with other people. I don't have the strength (or money) to up and move alone. I know I don't have to stay away forever, but what do I do when I'm done being on my own? Come home and live in the attic again? What if my dogs start getting really sick when I'm away? I'll just feel like I've abandoned them once again like I do with everything in my life. Ahhh panic coming back! I think I will ask for some relax pills on Friday.
The doctor is going to be so mad at me that I didn't stick with it. I am dieting though and working out. The only thing I didn't remember to do that she asked was post my resume, but I'm gonna try the VA hospital so that should count.
I think I might be done because I'm getting pretty depressed. Grr maybe I should have stuck with the pills.
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When panic attacks, next at 11:00! Sorry to hear about Ryan. I didn't know he was fired. That is suck. About the feeling ok during the day and crashing and burning at night, that is the story of my life. At work and around other people outside of work you see an entirely different person than you would at my house, or alone, in general. It is our defense mechanism in public to shield others from our true emotional baggage. It is really just our way of closing ourselves off to humanity. It's safer in that world to not show your true colors and it's also less painful to have people around you that like you, even if it is not your innerself coming out. Then when you are alone you can't put up the fascade anymore. You know the truth and it hurts! As for the sex...do it, girl. Why not? Go on a dating site and meet people. You don't need to date, just meet people and sleep with them if the feeling is cool, after coffee of course. Men do it all the time. What's the difference, besides in your own mind? Don't look at it as slutty, just practicle at this point in your life. And move out!! Of your house, of your job. This is your life. There is no start over button, believe me. Don't become my age and still have nothing going for you. You have 3 years on me. Make something happen in your life. The panic that you feel should be there, otherwise it's not meant to be done. Life shouldn't be a cake walk. When it becomes easy is when you're dead. Love yea!
ReplyDeleteP.S. I was totally listening to "The Surface of The Sun" when typing that out!
ReplyDeleteNYC HERE WE COME...in a year lol. And you were right about that being a blog in itself. I'm glad you are around to put feedback so I don't feel so retarded about my inner self all the time.
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